Kilig -- isa sa mga pinakamasarap na pakiramdam

Marahil hindi lang ako ang magsasabi nito... ang kilig ay isa sa mga pinakamasarap na maramdaman sa mundong ito. Minsan mukha ka nang tanga, kasi napaka-babaw lang naman pero tuwang-tuwa ka na. Hindi ito mawala sa isip mo. Maya't-maya, sa gitna ng kawalan, lalabas ang ngiti sa iyong mukha. At ang iyong mata, walang kasing ganda ang pag-ningning.

Ang saya-saya ng mga "kilig moments." Sa iyong utak, tandang-tanda mo pa bawat sigundo, bawat pangyayari. Na para bang pwede kang gumawa ng tele-nobela sa sobrang bagal ng kwento. Pero para sa iyo, sariwang-sariwa pa.. ang kanyang ngiti, ang kanyang boses, ang kanyang tingin. Nakanampuch! Wala ka talagang magawa kundi ulit-ulitin sa utak mo ang lahat ng ito.

Mukha ka nang gago. Hindi lang tanga. Ang buhok mo abot sa Japan. Para kang nakalutang sa mga ulap. Ang gaan-gaan ng feeling! Ayan na sige, haplusin ang buhok mong tila pang-commercial. Okay flip your hair... to the left... to the left. Bwahaha!

Mukha ka nang kuneho. Hindi sa dahil talon ka nang talon. Hmmm... Pero pwede rin pala. =P Parang lahat ng singhutin mo mabango. Hyper mode ito! Bigay todo sa kahit na ano. Walang sense yung kuneho. Weird. Gusto ko lang dugtungan para may parallelism naman sa first line ng naunang paragraph. Haha.

Hay... puro buntong hininga. Ang utak naglalakbay sa ere. Ang sarap pumikit. Kung pwede lang i-record mo na yung nasa utak mo tapos i-loop mo nalang para yun at yun nalang. Hindi mo na kailangang isipin ulit kung ano ang nangyari. Ahahay!

Mukha ka nang baliw. Hindi lang siguro mukha. Baka nga maging lokaret ka na. Ang kulit mo! Wish mo lang talaga maulit ang mga yun. Bakit sa mga panahong yun, para bang humihinto ang lahat. At kung gaano katagal dumampi ang kanyang mga kamay sa iyong balikat, eh up to the millisecond kaya mo yatang i-specify. At sa sobrang shock mo, tipong nabibingi ka na. "Ano ulit ka'mo?" Shyet nakakahiya. Kulang nalang siguro himatayin ka sa harap niya. Pero my gosh! Pagkatapos ng lahat, parang gusto mong magtatalon. But no. You have to keep your composure. Ahahay. Hindi ka na makapaghintay na sabihin sa iyong matalik na kaibigan. Na para bang magugunaw ang mundo kapag hindi mo ito nailabas. Kailangan talagang may makaalam. Kailangan ko lang talaga ilabas. Sabagay, masakit nga naman daw sa puson kapag pinigil, diba? Haha!

Naalala mo pa ba kung kailan ka huling kinilig? Nararamdaman mo pa ba to? Ako? Ang tagal na panahon akong hindi nakaramdam nito. Siguro aabutin ng taon. At nung dumating... Ay parang pwede na kong maglupasay sa kalye. Ang saya. Sana maulit. Sana hindi lang hanggang dun. Kahit mukha na kong baliw... sige lang. Ang sarap eh. =P

Cebu? B?

Went to Cebu for an official college business. My flight was at 7:30 AM. Twas my first time. And I'm backpacking alone. Again. From the Mactan-Cebu International Airport, I went directly to the hotel where I've arranged my booking only a few minutes upon landing. Astig diba? Hehe.

So there I was... on a taxi travelling the streets of Cebu going to Downtown Cebu City.

Ang drama ng lola mo, diba? Hehe. Pagod kasi. Had no sleep. Kahit kapiranggot.

Then checked in. 1117. And we're off to my hotel rooom. Chedeng!

Short time lang po! Bwahaha!

At shempre pa! Dapat may kuha ang Banyo Queen!

And there's more! A pair of cool flipflops. Not exactly a pair. Whatever. Hehe.

Hehe. At ayun. I rested for a few minutes. Then prepared the presentation I was about to give in 3 hours. Oh. I had to take pictures of myself in the room. Here's me working...

Working daw o! Now here's me goofing around...

Waiting for some lip service. Este room service.

Ang corny nitong trip na to. Pagod kasi. Well anyway, it's not like there's a lot to see in Cebu. If I had time, I would've gone to Magellan's cross. Or if I had enough money, I would've stayed in one of the beach resorts. Oh well.

So what do I get for staying in Cebu? Nothing. My only memory of Cebu is what I've been munching on for the past few days... PUSIT!!! Then there's DANGGIT! Plus some dried mangoes. Mwehehe. =P

And so I'm homebound. All I've got is this ticket to ride... on a Boeing 747. =P

The pseudo-relationships

She is a 24-year old copywriter. He is an architect. They met and became lovers in college. They broke up last year but remained to be "friends." They send sweet text messages and he calls her often to make sure she's okay. They still date. They still have sex. They don't see anyone else. It is obvious that they still love each other but when asked about their situation, she doesn't know the real score. Even her friends are in the dark. "Parang sila, pero hindi."

She works in a telecom. He is reviewing for the board. They are in the same barkada. They talk on the phone till 4 am. He gives her chocolates, flowers and CDs even when there is no occasion. Their friends are suspecting something. Bakit sila nagsosolo kapag may overnight inuman? Why does he hold her close on the dance floor? Bakit sila magkaholding hands lagi?Sila kaya? "He hasn't admitted anything," she rants. "But I let him hug and kiss me. Parang kami, pero hindi."

They work together in an ad agency. After office, they would watch movie, have dinner and stroll at Glorietta. She gave him Harry Potter books for his birthday in exchange for posing as her boyfriend to make an ex jealous. They made out during the company outing in Subic and never talked about it. He said "I love you" once but she wasn't sure if she heard him correctly because they were both drunk then. But one thing she is sure of is her feelings for him. She likes him. And she's assuming that with what he's doing to her and with her, he likes her, too. There's just one hitch: he has a girlfriend!

She is a 28-year-old virgin. He's a 35-year-old bachelor. Both mountaineers, they became close during their climbs. After a few dates in posh restaurants, he brings her to his condo where they would make out.They have been doing this for months. She wants to believe that "sila na" but then she's not really sure about it. "We don't talk about it but it doesn't really matter," she'd tell her friends. "What's important is I am enjoying this -- whatever it is."

>>This 23-year-old girl had a boyfriend at that time but they were on the rocks when she met this 32-year old guy. She broke it off with the boyfriend after almost 6 months of dating the new guy. But this new guy has two kids, is separated but still married. It's been almost a year. Until now, she doesn't know where they're getting at. He asks why she sticks around, why she'd rather spend time with this not-so-good-looking guy than with her friends or with the boyfriend who loves her so much. He says he doesn't deserve her. She tried to show him what she's made of -- this sweet, thoughtful, strong-natured, anything-goes, full-of-surprises girl. And of course, they already did it and she's sure she gave him a night he truly won't forget. But there's still no assurance. No commitment. And she is still hoping that someday, he'll keep her not just as the call-you-when-i'm-stuck-in-traffic, wow-you'll-bring-me-lunch, drink-with-you-after-work, meet-up-with-you-on-the-way-home girl. Somehow, she'd like to think they'd end up together after all the efforts of showing how much love she has for him. <<

The "parang kayo, pero hindi" stage. Others call it MU or mutual understanding. Pseudo-relationships. Pseudo-boyfriends. Flings. Almost like a relationship, but not quite. It is a phase where the persons involved are more than friends, but not quite lovers.

Puwedeng may verbal agreement, puwedeng wala. One or both of you may have admitted your feelings, possible ding hindi. You just let your gestures do the talking for you. Walang pormal na ligawan na nangyari. Hindi kayo mag-dyowa. Pero sa kilos niyo, sa mga sinasabi niyo, parang kayo, pero hindi.

This kind of "relationship" can happen at different stages for different reasons. It can happen after a break-up. You still love each other, and you want to be with each other but you broke up for a reason. And for reasons that you alone know, ayaw niyo na muna magkabalikan. It can also happen before a relationship, iyong pareho kayong nakikiramdam.

Possible din na ayaw niyo munang mag-seryoso kaya kunwa-kunwarian lang muna. Testing lang.

Puwede ring hindi puwedeng maging kayo kasi isa sa inyo --usually the guy --may ka-relasyon na. Kaya habang hindi pa siya nakikipag-break doon sa girl (sabi niya makikipag-break siya soon pero di naman niya ginagawa),wala muna kayong relasyon para nga naman hindi siya nangagaliwa kasi "hindi naman kayo."

This pseudo-relationship stage, for a time, can be fun. Lalo na kung naghahanap ka lang naman ng "kalaro." Pero huwag ka lang mag-e-expect na may patutunguhan kayo kasi wala talagang kasiguraduhan.

So bakit ang daming nagse-settle sa ganitong set-up ganoong hindi naman sigurado kung may patutunguhan? Iba't ibang dahilan.

Puwedeng for fun lang.

Puwedeng "buti na iyan kesa wala" or puwede na iyang "pantawid-gutom." Meaning, habang wala pa iyong the real thing, doon muna sa kunwa-kunwarian. For those who are not in a serious relationship, they would think that pseudo-relationship is better than no relationship at all. It would be fun, if all you are after for is that "kilig" feeling.

Aminado naman ako na once upon a time, may mga pseudo-relationships din ako. No commitments involved. For the simplest reason that they couldn't commit, because they were either committed to someone else, or that they weren't ready to commit.

My rationalization, "okay na iyun, kesa wala." Ang habol ko lang naman, iyong kilig feeling. Iyong merong nagtatanong kung kumusta araw ko. Iyong merong ka-cuddle sa beach outing. Iyong kapag tumunog ang cellphone, mapapangiti na ako dahil alam kong galing sa kanya ang message. Iyong merong laging kasama. Habang wala pa ang the real thing, puwede na itong pagtiyagaan.

But then I learned that although it was only a pseudo-relationship,the emotions were real. And usually, in this kind of set up, ang babae lagi ang lugi.

Una, you can't ask him to commit. Since it's not really a relationship, you can't demand commitment from your partner. Ano ba kayo? May K ka ngaba magpasundo ng hatinggabi? You will always be uncertain about yourrole in his life. You can't expect him to be always there with you. And if you feel jealous of the other girls, you just have to keep it to yourself. Ano ka ba niya para magselos?

Pangalawa, what if you fall deeply in love with him? You can't be sure if he feels the same way. Baka nag-a-assume ka lang na mahal ka rin niya. Even if you are dying to tell him you love him, you can't. Because you're not sure if he'll like it. Baka mapahiya ka lang. This stage will always make you wonder where you are in the relationship. Or if there is a relationship at all.

Pangatlo, what if you become attached too much? What if you have invested all your emotions and this man hasn't? What if you remain faithful to him, not entertaining other guys, only to find out that he is seeing other girls?

Isa pang downside ng pseudo-relationships, it is fleeting. When a disagreement sets in, or when one of you gets cold, then that would be the end of it. Unlike in a serious relationship, hindi mo alam kung saan ka lulugar sa isang pseudo-relationship. Wala kang pinanghahawakan. Kasi sa pseudo-relationship, there is no "us." Meron lang "you and me," hindi "us."

Buti sana kung pseudo-pain din lang ang mararanasan mo. Kaso, hindi eh. Real pain. And usually, kahit tapos na ang pseudo-relationship, hindi mo maiwasan umasang one day, may karugtong pa rin iyun. And you will be miserable, hoping to bring back what you used to have, only to find out eventually that the guy is in another pseudo-relationship with somebody else. Ang hirap, ano?

You agreed to this kind of set up for fun and then you'd end up hurting yourself in the process. Pero puwede naman maiwasan ang pain eh. Puwede naman na hindi mo muna isipin ang future and just enjoy the feeling, without thinking of the consequences. But if you are certain that you are going to hurt yourself in the process, kailangan mo mamili. You can be happy and live the moment without worrying what would happen next. Or you can stop settling with pseudo-relationships and wait for the real thing.

When I was younger and in a pseudo-relationship with an unavailable guy, a friend told me, "Sige, kung ayaw mong magpapigil, bahala ka. Magpakasaya ka. Pero huwag kang iiyak-iyak pagkatapos, dahil tatadyakan kita."

Ang bottom line lang naman, kung magpapasaya sa iyo, gawin mo. Ihanda mo lang ang sarili mo sa consequence. Dahil ang "parang kayo pero hindi" stage ay bihirang nagiging totoo. Usually, hanggang doon lang siya...almost, but not quite.

--

Reposting from an anonymous author. Though I inserted one particular anecdote... It captures the essence of all that is real in these situations. I salute you, whoever wrote this.

Matalino ka naman. Kung ikaw at ako ay tunay na bigo sa laro na ito ay dapat bang sumuko. Sana di ka na lang pala aking nakilala kung alam ko lang ako’y iyong masasaktan ng ganito... Malas mo ikaw ang natipuhan ko.

yer feyvarrritt

WARNING: This entry is not for the unimaginative.

Have you ever tried checking your closet and counting how many shirts from one particular store you’ve already bought? For shopaholics out there, you know there’s this one store where you get the great buys. It first started with this one shirt that you wear most often. It’s not your uniform. It’s just your favorite. You tried a shirt from a different store coz you thought it looked nice. But then you wore it only once. You can’t throw it away… probably coz it would be a waste of the money you spent. And so you just never try to buy another one of that again. Instead, you go back to the store where you got your favorite shirt, and grab all colors of that same design. You don’t care if they’re in different shades of blue – navy blue, royal blue, sky blue, teal. You just like it when you’re in them. And if you could, you’d collect them all.

Shopping for the great buys is so much like searching for the best partner. You try a lot of different things in different places, on different occasions, with different people of different characteristics and different personalities. And when you find the perfect fit, you stick with it and just keep coming back for more.

Diamond life, lover boy. We move in space with minimum waste and maximum joy. City lights and business nights, when you require streetcar desire for higher heights. No place for beginners or sensitive hearts when sentiment is left to chance. No place to be ending but somewhere to start. No need to ask, he’s a smooth operator. Smooth operator. Smooth operator.

Why be wrong when you can make it right?

How do you justify something that is wrong? You know that in any angle you look at the situation, it’s against convention. It’s against the norms. It’s definitely not right. It’s just absolutely wrong. How would you justify it? If you were a lawyer, you would probably have had the abilities to turn things around and make your client murderer win. If you were a politician, you would have probably paid it off just to get away. In any case, you yourself know that it is just not right. How do we go about doing the wrong things? What drives us to do just these?

Do you believe in karma? There is good karma. There is bad karma. If we do good, we get good karma. If we do the wrong things, we get the bad karma. However long it takes, in whatever forms or ways, it just gets to us. As they say, “payback’s a bitch” and it’s not necessarily the case wherein life comes down on the side of the dirty mistresses. But how is it that even if we know of such things as bad karma, we still do the bad things? If you know it’s wrong, how do you still end up not correcting yourself? We humans are said to have been given a unique capability that separates us from all the rest of the animals. We have reason. We can reason out. We can determine what’s right and what’s wrong. We can choose. But humans, even with reasoning, can still be such animals. Their instinct is to grab for their prey, regardless of how the rest of the world will move or react as a consequence of their action. So if we do the wrong things, is it that we better call ourselves animals?

“Karma. It's not unfair. It's not unexpected. It just evens the score. And even when we we're about to do something we know will tempt karma to bite us in the ass, well, that goes without saying, we do it anyway.” – George, Grey’s Anatomy

Why do we do it? We know it’s unfair. We know we could be stepping on the toes of other people as we walk by. We know that it could happen to us as well or worse. We know there are still a lot of things we could not conceive to be even possible to actually exist. You couldn't justify your actions. You can't say you're doing one bad deed to cover up a worse deed. You try to deny that it's wrong. You try to come up with the best justifications. You do it because the receiver of this bad thing deserves it. But is it not that you're still doing it wrong? You look at yourself in the mirror, and you know, you're wrong. You just don't want to accept it. Knowing all these, then why do it? Why risk? Is it because we want the world around us to move against the natural current? Is it because we likely choose to become evil? Is it because we want others to think that our motive is valid reason enough to do what is wrong? Is it because we have experienced too much bad things by being good and stopped believing? Is it because we have lost hope?

We can't justify. However you try to twist things around, it's just wrong. And yet we do it. We choose to risk, we choose to do what is wrong, probably because it’s the only way we can feel alive. At least there is some feeling we get from it... The feeling of anger, of thrill, of excitement, of biatchness, of fun, of guilt, of remorse, of revenge, of pride, of happiness, of contentment.

In Filipino, they would say, "Masarap ang bawal." And I guess that's it. We challenge ourselves and take the risks, at least so we could feel something, anything.